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Leaked memo : final draft (the Rooster)

Today’s leaked memo, published in The Times has caused a stir. However, The Rooster has obtained the final draft copy from the Minsitry for Brexit* and we share it with you here.

Dear Prime Minister,
 
As your Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, I would like to offer my most profound apology for the leaked memo that has been widely circulated in press today.
 
Before I am sent to the naughty step, I am pleased to inform Your Royal Highness you that only a very rough draft copy appears to have reached the The Times. It will be easy for us to discredit it explain how they have got the wrong story.

We have dispatched Chris Grayling out to explain it away to the dogs members of the press. He always sounds very convincing. I mean, people who wouldn’t come near me with a bargepole believed his soft reassurances on Brexit. Sort of the Brexiteer’s Jeremy Hunt.
 
I digress, I am pleased to present the final draft version below for your Royal Approval Excecutive decision.

The political domain

The Prime Minister’s over-riding objective was to prevent the party splitting 4 times in the past week on the subject of Brexit. The governments main objective has been to ensure our own survival a positive message ahead of when we leave behind us those bloody foreigners in Brussels our European partners.

The divisions within the Cabinet are between the 3 Brexiteers (myself included) and that bunch of scum bag remoaner ninnies over there in the Treasury. Sometimes it is amongst us three – that Bojo is like a Sumo wrestler. Overall, it appears that whoever makes the most noise gets listened too, which means of course Boris Johnson. Strange, somehow giving him the Foreign office only seems to have amplified his voice. “Whinge-o-rama” springs immediately to mind.

The Supreme Court seems unlikely to report before January despite our wrecking efforts at the Daily Mail and other rags.

It appears, contrary to your esteemed suggestion of 4th November past, that “openly gay exOlympic fencer” just doesn’t cut it like it used to in the good old days. We will have to look for new strategies to nobble the judiciary to engage with the Supreme Court.

We can expect remain supporters to keep their powder dry until the Supreme Court does what I’ve told it reaches a final decision.

The Government domain

Individual departments have been busily giving jobs to the old-boy network developing their projects, resulting in well over 500,000 projects. Since you asked me in your recent note, I believe Andrea Leadsom’s innovative jam project is number 297,899. We don’t stand a cat in hells chance It is unlikely we are capable of doing all this anytime in the next five centuries five months before your Royal Highness you exercise your prerogative, always assuming that doin so isn’t a criminal offence by then.

All this falls like a Stone considerably short of having any ‘Government plan for Brexit’ because nobody is in charge because there is no prioritisation and no link to the overall negotiation strategy whatever that is.

However it may be 6 years months before there is a view on a strategy as the political situation continues. Despite extended debate amongst Permanent Secretaries in the Maldives from their sunloungers, no common strategy has emerged. This is mainly because of your stupid decision incisive move to announce that Article 50 will be signed by March, thus limiting any possibility of serious policy wrecking by those commie bastards the Remoaners who are not yet enlightened with your supreme vision for our country. We shall enlighten them Prime Minister , even if I have to use thumbscrews.

Departments are struggling with the stupidity of the project and their ministers. This is because nobody thought this disaster would emerge of low base of insight and turf-wars fragmentation – Treasury “owning” those leeches financial services etc. All sorts of inconceivable anagrams have emerged like DH-BIES DCMS BEIS DIT DFbd and my personal favourite, the MfPwhAP (Ministry for Pretending we have A Plan). This is truly Britain at it’s best Prime Minister such innovation! Some of these may even have their own buildings. Do we have a map? I will of course keep the Prime Minister ignorant informed.

Expectations of increased headcount are wide ranging, in the 10 – 30,000,000 range. The Diplomatic Academy is providing training programmes. I hear the eleven-year olds are particularly promising, though struggling to learn English, having just arrived as asylum seekers.

The industry domain

Here I think we have been well and truly nobbled. Here we face our greatest challenges.

1. Company-specific decisions – Nissan has got us by the balls has energised discussion with many in industry who also want a bung to remain in the United Kingdom.
2. Industry Insights – the major challenges are that the business community has rumbled us needs reassurance that we are not going to drive the country off a Cliff in the name of a UKIP popularity contest asked for us to mindful of their needs.
3. Overall business concerns – the usual fat lazy, golf playing class the small & médium businesses – largely the province of those creepy dudes at the CBI to be dealt with by Liam Fox, when he is not eating pies or playing golf with Adam Werrity.

Royal Executive Summary

We’re doomed. I’m going to apply for an Irish Passport. We need to engage further with all stakeholders ahead of the great opportunities that await us when you leads us supremely into bankrupty and we have to call in the IMF those sunlit uplands that Mrs Leadsom spoke so convincingly of.

I remain, humbled to serve the crown,

David Davies*
Minister for Misery Exiting the European Union*


*According to the Rooster.

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